Place: Desk at my apartment in Rome, Italy
Time: 14:22 PM ( 2:22 PM)
Mood: Homesick, regretful, sad...
Note: It seems that the only locals that truly welcome a foreigner are the mosquitos. They truly love my blood...
I had been avoiding thinking about home, family - and I had been trying to have minimal contact with family in order to prevent my homesickness. I did not want to hold back my family nor have them worry about me.
I did not want to cry...
The water was still cold even after 15 minutes
Eff it, I will just take the shower.
It will be healthy for me anyways and perhaps numb some of the pain.
People seem to always want to get out of their parents' home and live on their own and yes that is fine; however, I do not think that they really realize how precious their time is being a dependent.
I have not had such an urge since I like living with my family and already felt like I have the home to myself as I am usually home alone when I am there.
Then there are those that cannot stand their dorm rooms because of this and that and that is fine and all, but once again they do not realize how easy they have it
(and this time I include myself in that crowd).
Almost all of the living necessities are provided.
You do not have to worry about setting up and paying the bills,
buying groceries, appliances, and kitchenware,
buying toilet paper, trash bags, detergent (well dorms yes, but hear me out),
cleaning the windows, walls, trashcans,
and so much more.
...Wanting to become independent is definitely a good thing and part of growing up and I am all up for it which is why I came abroad.
However, I definitely did not expect this feeling of being thrown somewhere.
I thought that living in an apartment rather than a dorm room or homestay would be awesome since I would have my own kitchen and the freedom to do what I want.
But then there are the cons and there is that one fact.
I am in a foreign country where I do not speak the language and where the currency is different.
Everything is more expensive here.
I have to buy my own toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags, etc.
I have to figure out what some foods are here and how to even purchase them.
The way groceries are bought is different here.
I cannot be too loud during a certain time period.
I cannot have guests over for too long.
All because the rules are different here.
You also do not know when your next food or drink will come at times.
Not everything can be found in one place like Target, Costco, or Walmart.
You do not know what some stores are or where to get things.
One thing that I had decided was that I was not going to be like some of the others here:
complaining to my family and demanding care packages.
I am not going to expect any or request for any because I know how expensive it is.
I will find what I need and will get them myself.
It is not because I am stubborn or just want to rely on my self.
I just do not want to worry my family or have them concern over me.
I came here to become more independent after all.
And I know where this money came from.
I will spend it well, not recklessly.
I realized that Americans are so spoiled in everyday life.
We really are.
I could see vividly the image of my mother coming home lugging bags and bags of food and mainly fruit because she knows how much I love fruit. And I would complain that she bought too much once again when she only wanted to satisfy me especially before I left.
Aw crap I am tearing up. STOP IT SARAH STAY STRONG.
You do not want your flat mates to see...oh crap there goes one tear.
But now it is like, damn, why did I complain?
It was such a privilege and she did it all out of love.
She does everything out of love.
And I learned all that and knew and know that even during my stay in the dorm room.
But now that everything is becoming even more like the "real", independent life
Aw frickin A, I cannot stop crying...crap.
I am noticing even more the little details that I should be thankful for.
I never thought that I am a super spoiled child although I know that I am in comparison to those who are starving. But I seriously am so blessed.
I really did take things for granted that I thought I did not.
I am just like everyone else that I did not want to become like.
I am a hypocrite.
I am spoiled.
complaing, being dissatisfied, getting angry at my mother when she does so much for me.
She always says that I will only know when I grow older, only know when it is too late, when she is gone from this earth
I guess I am glad that I know now before she passes. which I def do not want to think about.
She is turing 60 soon...
I always see her as this energetic, bubbly, young woman
I always see her as my friend.
But I really do need to realize that she is right.
I need to treat her better because I do have goals for my family that I wish to achieve.
I should have cooked for her, like legit.
I should not have focused so much on "being healthy", losing weight, being in my own depressed world, watching korean variety shows.
When she actually wanted to go out for a walk, I should have.
I can not stop sobbing now, but I need to write this all out.
I know that it will get better.
I just hope that I will not take her for granted again.
I told myself I would not after realizing crap during freshman year of college...
Being in a foreign country is hard.
Not knowing anybody in that country is hard.
Living alone is hard.
Being in a foreign country while living alone and knowing few people is
Well...fill in the blank.
Although as of now, it seems that the only solution once again is to just keep me constantly busy so that I am too exhausted to even think about family.
But that will wear and tear down my body and mind all over again...
But I know it will get better.
Love you mom...
Proverbs 12:25 - "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad."
Snohwhite Personal Blog
Minji Noh's Music
Shields of Strength
Feels like it has been so much longer than that.