I always thought I knew who I was, personally and in relation to others but reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, I've realized that I have a long way to go. A lot of problems I've had dealing with or stress that's caused me headache, are a result of a lack of clear boundaries. An example would be giving, my own and my parents'.
I'm not sure when it started but as I grew older, giving out of Love became harder. At times I would think, why am I doing so much for this person when he/she doesn't even appreciate it? This would more often than not, end up in bitterness and I don't like that feeling. It makes me feel like I shouldn't give next time but that soon leads to feelings of guilt for being selfish. Reading this book though has made me understand that even in giving, there should be limits. I shouldn't give out of obligation because that only leads to resentment. I also shouldn't give more than I have, whether it be talents, time, emotions, or money, because that would only hurt me over and over again. Setting boundaries and saying no to someone I love isn't going to harm them. It might hurt them in the short run. It doesn't mean that I should disregard others' feelings. It just means that the decision I make should still be made, after considering their feelings. In the long run, this is better for the other person and for me. Giving should be out of love and not obligation.
Another thing, I learned is that a gift is something you should be thankful for not something you should feel obligated to repay. Yes this might sound obvious but when it happens, you might not even recognize it. The book uses a great example. When you give your sincere thanks to someone for a favor but they seem to be unsatisfied, then it is a loan not a gift. A gift is something you give without expecting anything in return. Sometimes I forget that what my parents have given me are gifts and not loans. I was constantly burdened by the feeling that I owed my parents for everything they'd done for me. This grew to the point that I even started to resent them. I felt like I wouldn't be able to live life the way I wanted because of my "obligation" to them. I'm finally starting to understand a little better now though. This "burden" that I felt, wasn't really a burden at all. It was all self constructed and self-inflicted. I really regret the way I acted towards my parents during that period. To them it might have seemed like I was rebelling. It's for the better that they never know the real reason and I can make it up to them now by being a better daughter.
I'm not sure when it started but as I grew older, giving out of Love became harder. At times I would think, why am I doing so much for this person when he/she doesn't even appreciate it? This would more often than not, end up in bitterness and I don't like that feeling. It makes me feel like I shouldn't give next time but that soon leads to feelings of guilt for being selfish. Reading this book though has made me understand that even in giving, there should be limits. I shouldn't give out of obligation because that only leads to resentment. I also shouldn't give more than I have, whether it be talents, time, emotions, or money, because that would only hurt me over and over again. Setting boundaries and saying no to someone I love isn't going to harm them. It might hurt them in the short run. It doesn't mean that I should disregard others' feelings. It just means that the decision I make should still be made, after considering their feelings. In the long run, this is better for the other person and for me. Giving should be out of love and not obligation.
Another thing, I learned is that a gift is something you should be thankful for not something you should feel obligated to repay. Yes this might sound obvious but when it happens, you might not even recognize it. The book uses a great example. When you give your sincere thanks to someone for a favor but they seem to be unsatisfied, then it is a loan not a gift. A gift is something you give without expecting anything in return. Sometimes I forget that what my parents have given me are gifts and not loans. I was constantly burdened by the feeling that I owed my parents for everything they'd done for me. This grew to the point that I even started to resent them. I felt like I wouldn't be able to live life the way I wanted because of my "obligation" to them. I'm finally starting to understand a little better now though. This "burden" that I felt, wasn't really a burden at all. It was all self constructed and self-inflicted. I really regret the way I acted towards my parents during that period. To them it might have seemed like I was rebelling. It's for the better that they never know the real reason and I can make it up to them now by being a better daughter.